In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
