I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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