grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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