He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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