Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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