I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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