She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
