Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
