the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
