We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
