Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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