i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
