I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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