Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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