I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
