I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The feeling are messing with the penis
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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