Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
