Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
