He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
