You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
