i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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