I need help removing her.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
