I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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