Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
