Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
