I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
