why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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