I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
