I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
