You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
