the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
