God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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