You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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