Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
