btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
