Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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