I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
