About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
