mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize