Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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