Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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