My first STD was from a foam party
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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