when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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