Say something about gay babies.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
