This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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