Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
