The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
