Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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