Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
