someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
