I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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