She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
