How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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