Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
