last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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