u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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