Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
