Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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