I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
