my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
